The Upside of Being Single

Single And Happy - by Carolyn Ferber

As a singles coach that’s also single, I appreciate and understand the challenges that the holidays bring to those of us who are single. But being single doesn’t mean being an outcast, and we often experience a twinge of “social stigmatism” of being single, especially during the holidays in December, January and February.

It never fails that there’s a favorite aunt or uncle, maybe even your parents or friends, that wonder aloud why you’ve not settled down, met someone nice and married (or remarried). These loved ones mean well but what they don’t understand is the key to your being okay with “singlehood” is your strong Sense of Self.

Your Sense of Self is comprised of the What, Who and How you are: What you present to the world, Who you truly are within, and How you blend the two in authenticity.

After my divorce, I presented the “what” that I thought others needed to see, and what I wanted them to see – devastated, scorned, but dealing with it bravely – which worked really well in gaining favor from my friends and family over my ex. But after several years of this presentation, things didn’t feel right within. My “who” was screaming to be released. After working with a life coach for about six months, I begin to recognize that “what” I’d been presenting to the world was not “who” I truly was for I had adopted the role of “ex-wife” as my identity. With continued coaching, I learned more about WHO I am as a person, not as an ex-wife. Empowered, I dropped the victim role and embraced WHO I was as a single woman in a new and exciting adventure! After several more months of developing my Sense of Self, which positively impacted all areas of my life, I became very comfortable being single, holding the attitude and knowing that for me, it is temporary.

Many singles may choose being single as a permanent lifestyle, for it does have many advantages. But being happily single, whether you choose it as a permanent or temporary lifestyle is the result of your Sense of Self – the foundation upon you which you connect WHO you are with WHAT you present to the world. The “how” piece of this puzzle is how you live it.

For those who seek another relationship, many singles get into trouble when they begin to define who they are by whether they are in a relationship or not. Being guilty of this myself, the single doesn’t feel they are “complete” without a relationship. (Jerry McGuire set Sense of Self back with the “You complete me” line!). Relationship partners are complimentary – no completions.

For me personally, the year 2006 was a great year being single. Empowered with a strong Sense of Self, I've had more dates in this one year than I ever had in any other. And though not all of them worked out the way I hoped or wanted, they were enjoyable and easily manageable; and when they didn’t work out, I was still happily single thanks to my strong Sense of Self.

But despite a successful year of dating, and enjoying myself, I know that for me personally, being single is temporary because I seek to have a mate compliment my life. How you live as a single is a personal choice, and one does not need to be coupled to have a fulfilling life! You only need a strong Sense of Self.

Encompassed within the strengthening of one’s Sense of Self is self-love. Self-love is the foundation upon which to build your life – not a relationship! Once I figured this out, my life became more meaningful, enjoyable and fulfilling because I stopped looking to an external source, a.k.a. a mate, and began looking within. The Sense of Self program that I practice, and now coach, connected me to WHO I am which ultimately changed HOW I lived, and as a result, WHAT the world sees is my authentic self.

So now when that sweet Aunt Tilly queries aloud why Mr. Right hasn’t come along, I am empowered to smile with confidence and honestly say that I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life. And if you choose to change your status of single to one of dating, engaged or married, you can do so from a place of empowerment. Because with a strong Sense of Self, you are full of self-love, and with self-love, you are open to give and receive love which further empowers the relationship to blossom into a healthy inter-dependent partnerships, allowing you both to be authentic in WHAT, WHO and HOW you are in your personal journey, and in your journey together. In either scenario, be at choice – live happily single!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Carolyn Ferber is a Dating Success Coach that works with singles in developing strong senses of self, empowering them to be happily single and in charge of their dating results. She also coaches women on Smarter Dating techniques through one on one coaching and workshops. For more information about her services, visit www.carolynferber.com.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
CONTACT INFORMATION
Carolyn Ferber
Dating Success & Career Transition Coach
Lighting the path towards a stronger personal and professional life
303-795-1453
carolyn@carolynferber.com
www.carolynferber.com

The Upside of Being Single: Annual Holiday Issue 2006 (Issue #23)

You CAN have a wonderful time over the Holidays, even without a significant other. My hope is that the ideas in this issue help you enjoy yourself more.

~~~Quotes on Friendship~~~

You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years trying to get other people interested in you." - Dale Carnegie

The only way to have a friend is to be one. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

~~~Change Your Thinking about Gifting~~~
In an effort to simplify the Holidays, while still enhancing friendships, here are some ideas for different ways to take care of yourself at the Holidays.

1. Make a no-gift exchange pact. (I’ve done this for years with some of my friends and family.) You and your friends know you care for each other without having to exchange gifts. Let's face it, sometimes what people give each other just adds to clutter. Don't think of this as a Bah Humbug attitude. You may be surprised at how many people are grateful for a way they can simplify their own holidays by having one less gift to buy.

2. Some of my friends, of course, don't like the no-gift pact idea. They enjoy the whole ritual of gift shopping, wrapping, and presenting. So we continue to exchange gifts. But I enjoy it more with the knowledge that they are truly getting pleasure from it, and aren’t just doing it because they feel it's their duty.

3. Consider a gift of your time, rather than a material item. Set dates with friends to do something you'll both enjoy. Eat out, shop, go to museums, drive in the country, or whatever. If you schedule it for January or February, you'll have something to look forward to during the post-Holidays letdown. This also takes the pressure off your busier-than-usual calendar in December. Now you'll have the pleasurable anticipation of a fun adventure. And the time you spend together will probably deepen your friendship.

~~~Travel Therapy~~~
If your friends are away or busy with their families, take a little trip yourself. Afraid you’ll be lonely? I truly find that I meet more people when I travel alone.

Treat this as a little reconnoitering trip. Take a camera and a travel journal with you so you can record your adventures. Then whet the interest of your friends when you get together after the Holidays. Then you can start planning your return trip at a time when others can join you. Have you ever discovered a place, and your first thought is of a friend who would like it? Well, consider that you’re doing your friends a favor by scoping out possibilities for future trips together.

If you just can’t get away right now, do the research on the Web, in the library, or with a travel agent. Then you can present your friends with ideas on where to go in the future. If you’re like me, your spirits will rise just with the anticipation of a trip.

~~~A Cultural Events Cornucopia~~~

A recently divorced friend treated herself to to a play, a concert, and the movies with different friends over a three-day period. This was highly unusual, given her usual frugality. But it was well worth it because of how good it made her feel - especially at a time that she might have otherwise felt alone and sad.

~~~A Game: Giving Gratitude~~~

Did Thanksgiving start you thinking of things you’re grateful for? I hope so. Here’s a tip for reinforcing your gratitude in a fun, festive way. Visualize, draw, or cut out pictures of gift-wrapped packages. On the packages, list things you love: names of friends and family you love, activities you enjoy, your good health, and surroundings that give you pleasure.

~~~Best wishes from Jean Zartner at Selfnurture.com~~~
More articles are at:
http://www.selfnurture.com/singles-holidays.stm

Issue 22

VALENTINE SELF-TALK

Positive self-talk is a technique where you take the emotionally-charged, negative, destructive thoughts that come up in your mind and replace them with more logical, positive, constructive thoughts.

In this issue, let's apply this technique to overcome common unpleasant feelings about Valentine's Day.

~~~~~~~
Valentine Victim Thoughts:
Woe is me! I don't have a Valentine this year. I'm surrounded by ads for jewelry, flowers, and restaurants. And no one will be giving me a gift or taking me out on Feb 14.

Self-Nurturing Thoughts:
Between now and Valentine's Day, try temporarily changing your routine to avoid the media Valentine blitz:
- Recycle the newspaper without reading it. If any earth-shattering news happens over the next several days, you'll hear people talking about it. Then you can read about it on the Internet.
- Listen to CDs instead of the radio. Humorous books on tape and old-time radio shows can really lift your spirits.
- Change your TV viewing to avoid commercial-laden channels. Or find some funny books to read instead.

You can always go back to your old routine on Feb 15 ... although you may discover you don't want to.
~~~~~~~
Valentine Victim Thoughts:
I'm sad that all those couples are out having romantic dinners, and I'm not.

Self-Nurturing Thoughts:
To change your perspective, remind yourself that there are a lot of couples who only celebrate Valentine's Day because they feel obligated, not because of any genuine, spontaneous desire to do so.

Make the most of your relationships with your family, friends, and potential friends every day of the year. Don't depend on holidays to show you care.
~~~~~~~
Valentine Victim Thoughts:
It's not fair. Around Valentine's Day, it seems as if everyone but me is part of a couple. I feel left out.

Self-Nurturing Thoughts:
Shift your focus to things that are self-nurturing. By concentrating on things such as the following, you won't feel deprived:
- Exercise in some way that is enjoyable to you. Switch your perception to view living healthier as a hobby rather than drudgery.
- Dance. Take lessons if you don't know how. Many classes welcome singles. With the new dance shows on TV, there’s a wonderful resurgence in the popularity of ballroom and Latin dance.
- Get a massage. You can get one inexpensively if there's a massage school in your area.
- Try a drop-in yoga class. Tell your teacher if you're a beginner. Poses and stretches can be modified to accommodate you.
- Plan a vacation. Researching possible accommodations or tours in beautiful, interesting locations can lift your spirits. Even if the trip isn't going to happen for months, years, or even ever!
- Contact friends. Although it seems like a paradox, caring about others is very self-nurturing.
- Document positive comments you've received from colleagues, managers, and customers at work. You'll then be ready to submit them to your supervisor at performance review time. And at this point (when you may be feeling down) it will boost your self-confidence.

~~~~~~~

I hope these ideas help. Consider them my Valentine card to you.
But instead of this card saying “Be my Valentine,” it is saying “Become your own Valentine!”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In this Issue
1. Traveling Single
2. Newest Stats about Singles
3. Humor
4. Embraceable You
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1. Traveling Single

Some singles tell me they hate to travel alone. I, on the other hand,find it thrilling. It can make you more spontaneous about where you go and what you do. Also, you’re more likely to talk to the locals and other travelers that you meet if you don’t have a built-in companion.

Travel broadens your horizons; traveling alone broadens them even more.

I have an advantage when it comes to traveling alone because I dance. Before I go to another city, I get on the Internet and find out about social dance clubs and studios that have public dance parties. Then I can contact people through websites to verify that their dances are singles friendly. Taking dance classes in a strange city is an especially good way to meet people.

If you're not a dancer, you can still use a similar technique by finding groups that share your hobby, whatever it is. If you're in an organization in your town, find out if there's a chapter in the town you're visiting. If you can contact any of the officers, you can find out if any club activities - official or unofficial - are
happening while you're there. Just think, a ready-made group of potential friends. And they share your interest!

Obviously, the local paper's community events section is a great place to start when looking for things to do and places to socialize.

I also have an advantage in that I’m fifty-five. No, don't laugh. If I get hungry for company during the day, I can always find an activity at a senior center. There may be a dance, discussion group, lecture, or card game to attend. I’ve met fascinating authors, performers, and artists by crashing parties at senior centers.

Everywhere you go – sightseeeing or eating out – ask the locals, “Do you know of any fun events going on over the next few days?” It’s an insider’s guide to what's going on.
For instance, that’s how I heard about a great, free, rooftop concert in downtown Madison, Wisconsin. Not only that, but the people who tell you about the event will probably be at the event. When you get a glimpse of them in that sea of strangers, they’ll seem like old friends!

Finding your way around an unknown locale can be a challenge – but a fun challenge. Prepare to get lost since you won’t have a navigator.

View getting lost as an adventure. What the heck, you’re not punching a time clock on vacation. It’s so rewarding and empowering to find your way to a brand new destination (even if you did take a scenic route you hadn’t planned on). I love the feeling that comes over me when I start to know my way around a new place.

To me, an ideal combination is to visit someone you know but to have the freedom to go off on your own.

If you get lonely and wish you could share your travel experiences with friends, email them from the library or an Internet cafe. If you’re going to send post cards, you might print out friends’ addresses on self-sticking address labels before you go.

Surprisingly, some of my best travel adventures have been internal. While on vacation, I have more time to write. I have a friend who takes vacations specifically so he can concentrate on his song writing. Another friend takes his sketchbook on vacations. You can create fond memories of quiet, beautiful, meditative times alone at a sidewalk café, museum, art gallery, or national park.

Of course, it’s also wonderful to travel with friends or family. I’m just encouraging you not to limit yourself by saying you can’t – or won’t – travel alone.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
2. Newest Stats about Singles

The Washington Times published some eye-opening facts about singles in
their 8/17/05 issue. The article, by Cheryl Wetzstein is called “More
Homes in U.S. Go Solo.”

Some key facts from the article:

“Single-adult households have displaced two-parent families with
children as the most common kind of U.S. household, according to the
Census Bureau.”

”Single-adult households are continuing to grow and might even hit 34
million by the 2010 census.”

”This is because people are most likely to live alone "at either end
of the life cycle" - in youth or as senior citizens - he said, and
baby boomers are just starting to move into their 60s.”

”However, not all of those adults living alone are living completely
alone, said Mr. Francese, who tracks trends for the Ogilvy & Mather
marketing communications firm.”

”Professional, commuter couples might live alone during the week, but
share weekends together, he said. Single parents might regularly have
their children in the home, and single adults might have lengthy
visits from friends or lovers.

"There is a tremendous diversity in this [living-alone] group."

~~~~~~~~~~~
3. Humor

Comic Rita Rudner, had a couple of funny quotes on marital transience
at http://www.quotationspage.com:

- In Hollywood a marriage is success if it outlasts milk.
- When I meet a man I ask myself, “Is this the man I want my children
to spend their weekends with?”

4. Embraceable You

Touch deprivation is a common complaint I hear from singles. To avoid this deficiency, I like to cultivate friendships with people
(especially guy people) who are happy to hug. Recently I had a funny conversation in which we coined a new term for hug addiction.

Me – I need my quota of hugs every day.
Him – You’re such a flirt when you want a hug.
Me – Yeah, I’m just a hug slut.

Let your inner hug slut come out and play. But be sure to find out which of your friends are willing huggees, first. Some people aren’t comfortable with it, and we have to respect that.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

One of the things I love about being single is spending time with friends. Even when our busy lives – or geography – make face-to-face communication rare, e-mails come to the rescue.

Thanks to Selfnurture.com, I’ve become friends with several other writers. I believe (and have read that others have observed this, too) that people with creative talent make happier singles than those who haven’t found an outlet for their creative expression.

What creative outlet do you have? Once you become passionate about expressing yourself through some form of music, art, writing, dance, crafts, teaching, acting, or nurturing – you’ll find that not having a date on Friday night is of much less consequence. You may even prefer to have the time to pursue your passion!

Anyway, I recently I received emails from some of my writer friends, and think you’ll enjoy the stories they sent me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In this issue:

1. Salsa: The wholesome substitute for a hot-to-trot single woman

This story by Tracy Laswell is fun to read whether you dance or not. And whether you’re female or male trying to figure out what females like! I’ve featured the story in its entirety in this issue.

2. The Engagement Ring and the Faux Beau: A single gal’s field trip

This story, by Lisa Steadman, was recently published by iVillage. I loved it, so wanted to share the link with you.

Lisa’s website, www.breakupchronicles.com features personal stories about how breaking up with the wrong person was the right thing to do, and eventually leads us to bigger and better opportunities in life.

3. Enticing Romance!
This story is by an unknown author. Another writer friend forwarded it to me after multiple other "forwardees" had passed it on. This steamy story has a laugh-out-loud surprise ending. So to build the suspense, I put the story in this issue, and reveal the photographic conclusion on a separate page, so you have to click another link to see how it ends.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After you read these stories, you’ll see why I value my friends so much. They keep me laughing, they give me perspective, and are definitely a major upside of my single life.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Salsa:
The wholesome substitute for a hot-to-trot single woman.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Last Sunday night at the local dance hall in Olde Town Arvada, there was a sight to be seen.

Handsome, swarthy, fit men, young and older, coming to me by the dozens, looking me boldly in the eye, taking my hand, and tugging me out to the dance floor, each one urging me to use my body in an entirely new way.

As a single woman who hasn’t had a regular beau in damn close to a year, I find salsa to be a perfectly yummy, almost full-flavor substitute. Where else can a gal garner such male attention as hand-holding, waist-grabbing, smiling, wiggling, giggling, twirling, sweating, and pheromone-whiffing? And the norms of behavior at this type of dance are perfectly charming – not only do you not have to dance with the same guy all night, it’s encouraged that you dance with them all. The more guys you dance with, the better your dancing – and your reputation – become.

Unlike the ‘real world,’ at this salsa gathering the men vastly outnumbered women. Better yet, I found this environment chock full of guys who:
a) know how to do what they’re supposed to do;
b) know what they want;
c) know how to ask for it;
d) say ‘thank you’ when they’re done.

How refreshing! Guys in charge, making decisions, driving the thing, all the while being polite to the point of, dare I say it, chivalrous.

Even the most suave, swivel-hipped Latinos didn’t care that I was a salsa virgin (the 30-minute group lesson helped a tad). No indeed, they delighted in grunting instructions, choreographing the moves, using their hands to show my hips what to do, and suggesting where I might put my legs. Yeah, sure, like I said, this night women were notably fewer, supply, but had there been throngs of expert females available, I think the hotshots enjoy telling a gal what to do, since those who gave me the most instruction were the same ones to return for a second dance with the rookie.

Salsa is also a fantastic workout, more so than your lustiest romp in the begonias. I started ‘glowing’ just 5 minutes into the lesson, and I radiated long into the night. As a semi-jock who enjoys snowboarding, softball, yoga, and four very sweaty gym visits each week, I was surprised at all the little muscles that got a wakeup call.

So if you’re a single, hot-to-trot gal, I urge you to run out the door right now for hot time at your local dance hall – especially if it’s salsa night. I guarantee you’ll go home satisfied.



~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Enticing Romance!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Just the two of them.
It was a cold, dark, stormy night. The storm had come quickly and each time the thunder boomed he watched her jump.

She looked across the room and admired his strong appearance...and
wished that he would take her in his arms, comfort her and protect her from the storm.

She wanted that...more than anything.

Suddenly, with a pop, the power went out... She screamed...
He raced to the sofa where she was cowering.
He didn't hesitate to pull her into his arms.
He knew this was a forbidden union and expected her to pull back.
He was surprised when she didn't resist but instead clung to him.

The storm raged on...as did their growing passion, and there
came a moment when each knew that they had to be together.

They knew it was wrong...

Their families would never understand...
So consumed were they in their passion
that they heard no opening of doors...
just the faint click of a camera......
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>
>>
>
Scroll down to see what the camera captured!